Life Lesson VIA Candy Crush

Today I have been thinking...... scary I know. Candy Crush has taught me a life lesson yall! Yes I mean the game Candy Crush. Before you judge here me out.
The other day I was playing this highly additive game in the waiting room at the doctors office. I was on a level that I had been trying to beat for a good week. I was trying to get two stripe candies together. I had one blue strip at the very bottom of the screen so all I needed to do was create another strip and bring it down ... easy enough right...WRONG!! While most of my moves were spent trying to get one strip down to the other strip I took a breath and looked at the other parts of the screen and realized there was two spots I could make striped candies  and they would actually fall side by side. The only problem was I only had 2 moves left.
        Now I know your wondering how this applies to life. Ill tell ya! Sometimes in life we have such a focus either on what we want or our a problem that, we have that we miss blessings set in our path. I can even imagine how many of Gods blessings I have missed because I was so focused on what I wanted or because I felt inferior or I was depressed because I let the Alopecia consume my thinking.
      I know we cant exactly shut our brain off. As a mom I really wish God would have equipped us with one! But we CAN force ourselves to focus on the positives and the smaller blessing in our lives. Be still in our situation and know God has our back no matter what. And just maybe we can see the big picture in Gods plan. We can see that we are so focused on balancing on the curb of the path that God has for us we didnt even notice that there was a whole sidewallk there to easily walk on. We dont even have to struggle to balance anymore!
      I have struggled a lot with the feeling of being inferior and depression for years even before I discovered I had Alopecia. God did not make me to feel this way.  2Timothy 1:7 says For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.  If I can push the devil out just a little bit harder and pull God in closer maybe the feelings of the world and seeds of the devil wont be as prosperous.

Have a great week.

Day 2 Day

Well Hello again. The past few weeks I have been working on just living with less hair and this "Thing" on my head. The flesh eating treatment lasted less than a week and just made things worse so I did decided to try the antibiotic. Not happy with that but still trying it. So Far nothing.....  I have had to actually fix my hair when I go somewhere which makes me feel more self confident. Another thing is with my hair as short as it is I don't have to take as long in the shower. The other night just after getting out of the shower my husband says "OO you didnnt have to rush honey" to which I replied " Umm I thought I took my time but also I just have less hair to wash and condition." Speaking of showering it is VERY hard to get used to one pump of the shampoo and not 15 pumps ... I mean really! My shampoo will last SO much longer now!!

I think I have mentioned in recent posts I help with a middle school ministry. Well shortly before I found out about this "thing" on my head I felt the calling to do a hair donation with them. I was very upset after I found out I had to cut my hair before our donation. I hesitated even still doing the donation with the girls after I had to cut my hair but I really felt like we should do it.
Last night was our donation night and I had 5 girls who were seriously going for it. Yes there were nerves and anxiety but I had 3 do it!!! The other two didnt like where their hair would be after it would be cut so they decided to  wait till Christmas. Still I am so proud of all of these girls. Keep in mind the oldest girl will be a freshman in high school she is just about to be 15 and the youngest will be a 7th grader. This is a time when their whole world revolves around appearances. I am so inspired by these girls. If they are making these types of selfless decisions now their God has got a bright future in store for them! I am BLESSED to even know them.
I cant explain the feeling in knowing God is working in me and threw me threw this disease. I am still praying for healing but I also pray to be Gods true hands and feet. I dont want anything that I am doing to point to me but to HIM and non of it be be me or my idea but him and his idea. I have folded my cards I realize nor I or the doctors are in control.

Positive Polly meet Negative Nancy

The last few days have been frustrating to say the very least. Positive Polly went on vacation and Negative Nancy is using my brain as her personal play ground. The negative thoughts make in almost impossible to function. They seem to strangle me in to submission. In these times I usually pray so much it feels like I pray all day. Today has been one of those days. I skipped a family gathering because of all the worrying and negative thoughts going threw my brain today over whelming me like a flood. As soon as my husband and kids left I turned on some good o praise music. I connect to songs a lot. I sit here listening to Hold me Jesus by Rich Mulllins and Architecture by Jonathan Thulin over and over. I want the only overwhelming flood in my life to be the love of Jesus Christ.  As the song Hold me Jesus says I want Jesus to be my prince of peace I want him to overwhelm me with his peace and presence. Architecture has been a favorite of mine because its so true. We are so focused on the broken pieces we fail to see the the beauty in the small but significant building block God has put in out lives. Its no coincidence that because you made one decision something else fell in to place. God has built us up so far and if we could just get past our current hardship and look back at all that God has done for us all those building block set in place we can see the beauty and the grace in the little things he has done for us maybe we wouldn't feel so hopeless when Negative Nancy decides to take a stroll in our minds.
I know this skin condition is just a building block for something great. He has not left me nor forsaken me.
Jesus loves me this I know.

Flesh eating treatment.

As you know my know I chopped my hair off yesterday in hope of starting treatment for my Folliculitis Decalvans. So yesterday evening I ran to the pharmacy to get my medications. Of course I get there and the topical stuff was ready but the antibiotic was stuck in insurance stuff. I was cool with that just because for some reason I have a weird feeling with this whole antibiotic for the rest of my life or until the FD becomes inactive.  By no means am I a natural person but I'm not so sure about this one.
      Anyways I made it home with this topical solution that was described by the doctor to me as "like WD-40. Yes you know your in the south when a DOCTOR compares anything to WD-40! Can I just say if it would have come with the tiny straw thing on the end like WD-40 it would have made it easier. The topical solution comes in a bottle that looks like an eye dropper container. Instructions are to squirt on area and rub it in 2 times a day. MY ISSUES with this .....#1 How am I supposed to rub it in when my hair is there all I can kinda get done is patting it so it doesn't run. An d also almost half of my head has FD on it I feel like I might as well take a bath in this stuff!....... #2 I was nervous about how it would make my hair look ... yep 1 day of applications look about like  3 day unwashed hair. and last but not least.... #3 IT STINGS!! DEAR GUSSY does it sting!! Yes 2 times a day I have to cover my head in what feels more like Flesh Easting Topical solution!!! You know when something stings and it subsides a little and then it itches for a little while after? YA as if my head didn't itch enough this Flesh eating solution makes it worse! Gotta love modern medicine......or not.

     I would like to mention I received so much love and support yesterday when revealing my "situation." Only a handful of family and friends knew what was going on before yesterday. Its not like I was afraid of being shunned or anything but as state in a previous post I was trying to down play it as much as possible especially until I had all the facts. We told the kids that I just have an ouchie on my head that I need to put medicine on all the time. I am so grateful for all the kind words the kind words. I know Im gonna kick this stuffs booty with the love and prayers of my army of supporters.

The Transformation

I've been reflecting/worrying a lot about chopping off my hair. I have never been one to be attached to my hair but I guess since this was not my choice and more of a "Have to" it worried me more. The more time I had to think about it the more relaxed about it I got. 
    A few weeks ago a few of the middle schoolers I volunteer with spoke about their adventure at a church camp they went to. One said she was in desperate need of patience and she prayed about it a lot but got nothing. A counselor explained to her that sometimes when we pray for patience or self discipline it doesnt mean that we will one day go to sleep and wake up QUEEN PATIENCE or QUEEN OF SELF CONTROL but that God will give you opportunities to be patient. Now if you asking how this ties in to the Alopecia thing and cutting my hair off here is the connection. For years I have struggled with Depression and Anxiety and Low Self Esteem. For years I have prayed for God to take these things away. More recently I have really prayed that God give me the confidence that I need to really lead these middle school kids to Christ. I wanted to be the true hands and feet of Christ and the low self confidence was not helping. I do believe the Alopecia was Gods was of giving me an opertunity to boost my self confidence. I had to force my self to cut my hair and not hide behind my pony tail anymore. The ponytail no longer hides the bald spot. My hair dresser cut it in a way I would have some coverage even though I cam prepared to almost shave it. I know it will show sometimes and I am 5 foot tall so everyone sees the top of my head but this is my chance to rock this. This is y chance to gain that self confidence. I feel like truly letting it all hang out and be me. There is a big bald spot but the recent progression of my scarring alopecia  has been a ring around my head. I just joke that God just wanted to pre-fit my halo for when I get to heaven. I am choosing to joke about it and not let it get me down. I will choose not to sweat the small stuff. I choose not to make my disease and my worried bigger than my God because my God is way bigger than this and he did not design me to be worried but to have a sound mind. Here is my before and after

er.

Pondering......

  I have never been one to worry physical appearance much. I mean I wanna match and stuff but I am not the type who puts on make up everyday and dresses up everyday with gorgeous styled hair. I am a jeans and a tshirt kinda gal with a ponytail every day but Sundays to church. Even Church has been seeing more and more pony tails since my bald spot has been getting bigger. I am seriously pondering full on almost shave. I wanna be able to treat this THING before it take all of my hair permanently. I know it will be a HUGE change but I think it will be worth it. I mean my grandmother lost her hair when she was battling cancer and she just wore a turbine. I have just decided I am gonna save my money and try to buy some super cute scarves and head bands to make my head feel not so naked. I would rather not ware a wig for the fact that it is not me.... And I am kinda like a 3 year old...its itchy its to tight....it feels weird. Ya Im sensitive that way.
    The only concern I do have is the look of this alopecia kinda looks like when my husband gets a bad case of poison ivy and the puss pockets burst and dry up and it clumps all the hair up. I also don't want to scare the kids at school either. I am hoping cutting it off a month and a half before school starts will give it time to grow back a little, give me time to get comfortable in my new hair or lack there of, and also try to get this THING under control.

Results day

I had to wait 10 days to get my biopsy back. That is like 4 million years to worriers! I think I prayed 24 hours a day in those 10 days. IT WAS BRUTAL!
    The day finally came!!!!!! Pretty sure I got maybe 3 hours of sleep the night before. This time I took my husband with me to the doctor. We walked in and the doctor took out the stitches while he was proceeding to tell me what the results of the biopsy was. I really felt like it was an episode of Charlie Brown all I heard from the doctor was "Whaaaa Whaaaa Whaaaa Whaaa Whaaaa."  He actually did say I have a very rare kind of scarring alopecia called folliculitis decalvans. He gave me an oral antibiotic and a topical steroid. He said I would have to clear my hair to the scalp then squirt the steroid on the scalp and rub it in kind like WD-40. He gave me to RX for both because he said he knew my insurance company would fight in and the other one I could send in to the the pharmaceutical company.  SO not only do I have to go threw this weird THING on my head but now I have to fight with my insurance company as well! GREAT!!  I had to ask him since it is on such a large part of my head how on earth am I supposed to treat it all. by just squirting and rubbing it in. It would take FOREVER!  The Doctor said it would be a challenge and cutting my hair off would make it a little easier.